When Playtime is Over...

I really don't know why I am bothering to do this, I have nothing to say. Vincent Valentine has notified everyone of our loss, and so I have no reason to write about it myself. No reason at all.

But I am writing anyway. Cidney Highwind has rejoined the Lifestream, and I did nothing to prevent it. I was too busy being a puppet, a wind-up toy dancing its little dance, to notice that he was about to be lost. I didn't hurt anyone, not directly, but I can't help but think that if I hadn't reacted to that...word...then maybe we would have been able to stop him. Maybe he wouldn't have died.

Wishful thinking, maybe. Regret and grief and confusion mixed into one. He's rejoined the Lifestream, a part of me says, he's safe and warm and happy now. But another part of me, the part that isn't as stunted as the rest, says he's just dead. He's dead and it's my fault. I couldn't stop him, I couldn't save him.

I couldn't do anything.

See, it's not what I did that hurts. It's what I failed to do.

And that doesn't seem fair.

...

...

...I think I frightened someone today.

I'm sorry Jane Snape. It was not my intention.

I hurt someone today. Someone I don't even know. And I almost killed him.

I'm sorry you had to see that, Vincent Valentine. I'm even sorry for Nicolai McCarthy, who was so horrid.

I really don't know what I'm saying.

I hurt someone today.

And I'm sorry.

I made a bit of a fool of myself yesterday morning, but it is all right. I am not upset anymore, just a little nervous. I have never had a bed, you see, and I would usually double-up with Kadaj or Yazoo in our cot back at Mo--Jenova's, so sleeping on a geniune bed, alone no less, was a little disconcerting. So I slept under the bed, for the feeling over something around me and the stiffness of the floor. I would sleep on the floor at Hojo's house, so I am used to this.

But I would like to sleep on a real bed eventually, so I think I will ask my sister to lay with me until I can fall asleep. Would you mind that very much, Aeris? I hate to put you through any more annoyances...

Oh, in regards to Aeris, she has introduced me to the fact that it is permissible to eat more than ten ounces of food a day. Under Hojo's guidance we were all trained to need very little food, and only ate one meal a day--ten ounces of carefully-selected nutrients at exactly twelve forty-five in the afternoon. Here I am supposed to eat three meals a day of varying size and content, and if I get hungry--what exactly is hungry, again? I think I understand it but I might be wrong--I am allowed to eat a "snack."

Everything here is so different from what I'm used to. The only thing I understand is the kitchen, and that's a little embarassing in itself. Although it is a very nice kitchen. Everything is set up wonderfully, it's clean and there's a wonderful amount of counter space. Ifal--er--Mom and I can be making two completely different thigns at the same time without even bumping into each other once, it's so big!

I'm still not used to calling the Gasts Mom and Dad, but I'm working on it.

Aeris and I went out yesterday, to the "Maul"--though why it is called that is beyond me--to get me new clothes. My wardrobe is no longer purely black, and we bought a couple new gloves to cover my left hand.

I showed Aeris my hand. The mark. She wasn't disgusted, she wasn't even surprised. I can't believe she didn't care. At the time I was so swept up to realize how much her disregard for something that brings me so much pain meant to me, but now I understand. This is what it means to have a family, isn't it? They love you for who you are, not what you are. I think I like it.

What else did we do? Ah yes! Mako World.

It is the end-all be-all of this city. Eleven rollercoasters, something called cotton candy, hot cider...it was all amazing. I cannot believe that it has been here for so long and I did not know of its existence. Aeris says we can go back later, which in itself is amazing. I was under the impression that people would get angry if you attempted to return to a place of such...excitement. Excitement is bad for one's heart, I have been told, but Aeris seems to be in perfect health and goes to Mako World once a week.

I cannot wait to go back next week. I wonder if Sephiroth and Reno would be willing to come with us? It would be nice to go with everyone. Sephiroth, Reno, Zack DeSanta, Elena Warner, Shera Lowbreeze. Vincent Valentine, Tifa Lockheart, Cidney Highwind, Jessie Driverbit, Tseng... Everyone!

It would be fun.

Which Final Fantasy 7 character will you marry? by Akumabito
Username
Age
Sex
You will marry...	Reno
On...	August 25, 2044
How many kids...	29
Why...	They were lonely, you needed sex
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Gaea this made me laugh. I think Sephiroth would kill me if I touched him, although it would be a fitting comeback for Sephiroth leaving him for Vincent Valentine.

EDIT: This one is almost possible.

Which Final Fantasy 7 character will you marry? by Akumabito
Username
Age
Sex
You will marry...	Red XIII
On...	January 12, 2038
How many kids...	32
Why...	You were both on drugs
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Note the reason.

I am enjoying these bizarre things far too much, I think. I will stop now.

I am jealous and it makes me upset. I should not be jealous. They are both happy, that should be enough, right?

Vincent Valentine loves her. Tifa Lockheart loves him. They are enough to keep the other happy for years and years. Should either fall the other will only pull them back, not fall as well. It is amazing to watch them walking, as though they have always been this way. It makes me happy to see them happy, but it also makes me jealous. I have never been jealous before.

I get upset, tell myself I have no right to be upset over another's happiness. I force myself to stop these odd feelings, and everything is okay for a while.

Then I see Shera Lowbreeze, Elena Warner and Zack DeSanta and I get upset again. They are all so happy, in spite of everything that is happening to them. They can forget, at least for a little while, what it is that we are all a part of. When Shera looks at me she remembers and she looks hurt, so I try to avoid her. She doesn't deserve to be hurt any more than she already has been.

I cannot forget. This body, this hair, these eyes, this mind are all the creations of someone else's twisted fantasies. I am a toy and I will always be a toy, no matter who I serve or who I love. The power in me was created to hurt, and it hurts me to know that. Every instant of every day, every immature thought that runs through my brain reminds me that I will never be able to forget. None of us will, I suppose, but I can't for more than a heartbeat.

I see Sephiroth and Reno and they are happy as well. It hurts to know that they may not be allowed to last. I am certain that they hurt as well, so I do not bring it up.

Cloud Strife and Yuffie Kisaragi, when the boy is lucid, are not happy, exactly, but they fit. They fit like paired puzzlepieces. I only wish that Cloud Strife would leave the woman that father is always with alone. It is not safe, and it hurts Yuffie Kisaragi.

And that hurts as well. There is no one to be hurt were I to be taken away.

Aeris Gast and Nanaki Thirteen are the happiest people I have ever seen, next perhaps to the Gasts themselves. It is amazing how much those two still adore each other, even after so many years together. It is...sweet. Aeris Gast uses that word to describe her parents sometimes, and it makes me smile. Sweet is like cookies. Sweet I understand.

And so I am jealous. And it makes me upset. I should not be jealous. They are all happy, that should be enough.

And yet...

I don't think it ever will be.

I made cookies again. They're very good.

And Sephiroth, if you're reading this, try washing your hair with a bar of soap to get out the green.

...No, I am not going to explain how I know how to get jello out of hair.

In regards to my place of sleeping, apparently I will be staying with the Gasts for at least a short amount of time. Aeris Gast says that they have extra rooms and that I deserve a decent place to sleep, and Nanaki Thirteen does not approve of my fashioning a bed out of books. It is quite comfortable, though.

Someone commented on my vocabulary recently, and it made me wonder. I understand that I am mentally stunted--I hate that aspect of myself with every fiber of my being--but this person was correct in pointing out that I have a fairly extensive vocabulary. I give credit to Yazoo for this, considering that I had to learn large words to understand him before we were sent out from Father's place to take part in this mess that is supposed to make something for Mother.

In any case, this makes me wonder just how stunted I am, if I can learn such high terminology. Perhaps I am an intelligent ten-year-old?

Also, I would like the thank Tifa Lockheart, Vincent Valentine, Reno--I do not know your surname, I feel disrespectful--Sephiroth, Zack--what is your surname? I feel I should know it by now--and everyone else involved in taking me in. I...appreciate it. I owe you much more than simple thanks, but at the moment that is all I am capable of giving.

Oh, unless you want to come down to the diner sometime. I will make you cookies in the shape of stars.

Yazoo doesn't understand. He might be the most stable of us but he doesn't understand at all. What's the point of having and unfractured mind if you warp it around a twisted ideal like Mother or Father?

What's the point of having a body with no flaws if you only use it to hurt?

Yazoo, Yazoo, Yazoo...

Take care of Kadaj. I'm not there to hold him still when he has a seizure or pry open his teeth when he tries to bite off his own tongue anymore. And I am NOT going back. Not ever.

I may be awkward, mentally stunted, but I know that I will never call that place home again.

I love you both, my dear brothers, but this is something I MUST do. Me--Loz. No one else. It is my choice to leave that place and my choice not to turn back, regardless of what happens from here.

Because it's a house, but it could never be a home. I know that now.

Hm...

I have only just realized that I have nowhere to stay. I could sneak into the school library and sleep there tonight--that's what I woulld always do when Yazoo and I would fight and I didn't want to sleep anywhere NEAR him. Yes, I think the library will do until I can find a better place.

...I miss my brothers already. They're all I've ever known. and I'm more than a little scared to have left them of my own volition. Zack and Reno and Sephiroth say they like me, even Elena likes me, but what if they don't like me enough to let me help?

I HAVE to help. Cloud Strife needs supervision, and I can provide it if the others will allow me to.

Will Mother kill me? Yazoo will come after me, that much I'm sure of, but what about Mother? I've seen her angry before. I don't want to see it again.

Sephiroth almost killed me. Vincent Valentine threatened--and attempted--to EAT me. Tifa Lockheart blasted me with some sort of power, strong enough to rattle my teeth. So then why do I feel better, safer, more ALIVE when I'm around them than I do around my brothers?

I'm still just asking questions. But these, I think, don't have answers that other people can give me. I'll just have to wait and see. I'll understand my feelings in time.

I hope.

I have eaten a cookie, met a sister and drank something called coffee.

I have played a video game horror movie manly scream of terror-causing thing, something with Italian brothers that get along in spite of their super smashing one another, and avoided hanging a human from a light fixture.

I think I like this kind of playing better than Father's kind of playing.

Sisters are cute. They are small and easily broken and I wish I had one to take care of. I think that Kadaj and Yazoo would understand what I'm trying to tell them better if we had a sister.







Tifa Lockheart spoke to me today.

I...don't understand.

He was supposed to be great. Wonderful. He was supposed to be a GOD among mortals, and we were supposed to revel in his glory.

Instead he tried to kill Kadaj. My brothers tried to kill each other.

This is not playing, this is wrong. I just wanted to play, but Mother...Mother, what have you done? You changed something. You changed him, or yourself, or us. You changed something and now it's all wrong. I don't understand.

Help me understand, Mother. Why did our god-brother try to kill us? And why did his pet--the human--the mortal--

Why did Reno protect us? He didn't answer me when I asked, but he did give us time to get away. He saved me and Kadaj, even though I fought with his friends and Kadaj hurt him until he bled like I've never seen. Why did he do it? Reno, are you there? Why? Please tell me why--you put yourself in danger to keep Sephiroth from killing, but WHY?

And pet--

Shera. Shera, keep fighting us. Keep learning. I don't really want to take you back anymore. Kadaj says we need you, but I don't think it would help. And besides, you're a person aren't you? Not a pet...?

I don't understand. Won't someone explain what all this means? Why didn't I care about this until now? What changed? I don't know. I--I don't know anything.

I just wanted to play. Was that too much to ask?

Won't someone answer me?

Hello, pleased to meet you all. I'm Loz, brother to Kadaj and Yazoo.

I am the strongest, sternest and by far GREATEST of us three Sephiroth Clones. In fact, I think I'm better than Sephiroth himself. I think he's a Clone of ME. Yeah. That's it.

And no matter what anybody tells you, I am not and will not put up with being called a crybaby. I do NOT cry.


No matter what anyone tells you.